So I think its time I talked about a few things I am proud of.
Saturday my two girlfriends and I took it upon ourselves to complete our own personal 5K Walk-It Challenge. Since the closest official walk was a 2 hour drive away from us, and also on the same day as one of their grandbabies birthday, we decided that we'd do our own walk a day early. (And besides it was supposed to rain the day of the official race anyway). When Teri and I first got to Jackie's house I was a little nervous because I wasn't sure where the trail was and how I would know where to turn around. Jackie then tells us that she has marked it with a piece of banana peel, and three little stones on each side of the road. It seems silly, but I am probably always going to remember that little detail as part of my first 5 k ever.
It felt really special to be running this race with these two ladies. They have helped me through a lot over the past few months and Jackie taking the time to make this race our own was really awesome. I must admit, I was originally a little bumed out that we weren't going to the 'official' walk, but quite honestly it turned out to be a wonderful day. There was no pressure, and it was more personal anyway. Sure it would've been nice to join in a race with other ladies, but this was a time for us 3 to give voice to the excuses and the reasons holding us back.
I had originally hoped to complete the walk/run in under 40 minutes, because on the treadmill I had completed it in under 45 and throught that with enough training that I would be able to push it more. Since originaly hearing about the race I have seen a Physiotherapist for my knee, concerning the pain I had been experiencing and so I haven't been working on on the treadmill as hard as I had been before developing the pain. Rather than pushing myself for better times, I have been doing more inclines and work on the bike. He recommended that I not run on the treadmill because it is hard on a persons joints. So baring that in mind, completing the race in 43:52, I consider that a victory.
What a great feeling yesterday. I came home feeling so accomplished and to add to this personal victory, Jackie had given me an exercise suit that she had barely worn, and when I put it on, yes...it was snug but not super restrictive tight. And what made it even better was that it was an XL size.
I am starting to see myself now as a smaller person. Pictures that are being taken are actually surprising me because I keep seeing less and less of me. It's really an interesting feeling. I almost can't help but think that somehow the fat is disguised, just hiding somewhere off the camera...
weird, I know, but these are things I am going to have to start dealing with.
I have been recieving more and more comments lately. And its a great feeling. I am finding I like when people talk about me. I am proud of who I am today, and what I am doing for my body. I feel like if I can tackle this -- this weight issue, that has been the root of so much sorrow in my life, I can do most anything. You don't realize the weight --- (no pun intended), that is put upon yourself and how much it is holding you back from being the person you are until you let go of those things that are holding you back.
Things like sweat. Things like fear. Shame. Disbelief. Barriers you create to protect yourself from experiencing so much more.
And still there are days when I revert back to that scared girl. Who can't seem to hold herself high enough to praise herself and all her hard work. I am approaching 50 lbs lost since Feburary 2010, and somehow that isn't good enough for me. "I should've hit in back in Feburary - March - April - May...". The point is, I am hitting it now. This week. No more barriers, no more excuses. I am worth love and praise, not from others, but myself. And today is the day I honor myself with that gift.
