You can't always be strong.

I guess I am learning that its okay to struggle, or even fail, because it reminds us how strong we are, and what we are capable of doing. I was having a horrible day, or rather -- more like a terrible week. I haven't been eating well - just putting whatever in my mouth -- tracking for the most part, but doing this whole weight watchers things wrong.

As such, I have learned that just because I can afford to eat something (point-wise), doesn't mean it should go in my body. I have become hypersensitive to garbage foods. Sugars especially. I get what I call a sugarheadache, and I have to drown it out with excess water. I've learned that my body craves that water and really doesn't function well without it.

I've also learned that I need to eat good lunches. Life is unkind when you aren't feeling your best. And everrrrrrrything gets worse -- those negative feelings flood the doors of my mind and I drown in them. It's disgusting really, because it leaves me all bloated and out of breath (excuse the partial metaphor, but quite honestly its the case). My belly currently feels like it has excess water or material in there and it makes me short of breath. This could also be the result of me not going to the gym in almost 2 weeks.

I've learned that excuses and obstacles are two separate things. Just because I am facing new obstacles in my life doesn't mean that I need to use them as excuses - though it is so very easy.

I've also learned that these defeating thoughts and terrible patterns of behaviour ARE breakable. Just because I get into these destructive moods where I look at my body, or photographs and see no change -- doesn't mean that change hasn't occured. I've done well. And I have begun to recognize the change.

Let me repeat: I've done well. I CAN break negative patterns of behaviour. Obstacles do NOT equal excuses. I need to eat to live, not the other way around. Hydration is key. Sugar headaches are painful, and entirely UNNECESSARY -- yet, mistakes happen. For I am human, and you can't always be strong.


 
...But I am strong enough to know, that I can shake myself from this rut and be as fierce as necessary. I AM BEAUTIFUL. I CAN OVERCOME. I AM LOVED. AND I AM WORTH THIS.

*thanks to my wonderful boyfriend and his momma for changing my opinion of me. <3

Feeling Optimistic this time through...

Wow. I guess it's been while since I've posted because when I logged in and saw my blog, I had forgotten that I changed the layout. Oh well.
This week I come baring some good news. I had just come to terms with the fact that I had been gaining a teeny bit of weight for the past two weeks, and was okay with the idea of maybe having to put on more (due to muscle and the increase in my workouts). I was hugging the 299 mark so close, and was awfully disappointed. This week, finally did it for me, when I was thinking it might take another week...I was down 1.4! Making my current weight 299.2! I am very happy about this, as it is such a turning point.

At the same time, I am pushing myself extra this week because I don't want to be up over the 300 mark again. I have also found that I have better results when I eat my weekly points (I think)... but am nervous to eat them this week for fear that that's not the truth, and I'll go up. BUT alas, I can't live in fear... I gotta have a positive attitude, work hard, go to the gym and eat smart.

I came home from WI and prepared 4 - 2C bags of grapes, and tracked my day ahead for today (because I worked today! YAY for actually getting supply days), so I was prepared. I went to the gym, despite being zonked, and ran 8 minutes tonight on C25K Wk4, D3! I didn't think I was going to be able to do it (I was wanting to quit before 3 minutes), but I pushed myself through it and accomplished yet another goal. NSV! I am finding that in my life these days, I am able to accomplish more. I was feeling really good about how things were going in my life today, 3.5 additional supply days booked--- and a NEW haircut, but then...

roommate drama resurfaces. These were the personal problems I had trouble with the last few weeks. It's a big stress on me, but tonight, I used it as fuel for the run. =) Life is annoying as hell sometimes, but I can get through it, just gotta have faith, trust yourself and push it.

New Week!

Alright so, it was a disappointing WI, and though I was initially very, very mad at the scale, I slowly came to terms with it. I ended up gaining another 0.2 lbs. I thought for sure I would be down, and was desperately hoping to be down 0.5. Alas, it didn't happen this week.

But I've begun a new week today, and went to the gym for the 1/3 times I promised myself for the rest of this week. I made a big pasta salad with loads of veggies for lunches, and I still have my 0 pt soup. I also made bran muffins with loads of blueberries. I am ready for this week.

Tomorrow is my first day working as a Supply Teacher, and I am both pumped and nervous. The good news is that I am going in for my cousin, and he will be there for the first few hours. I can do this. Just got to think positive and go in there confident. Hmm. Confidence. I can do that right?

I am working on it. It's one of my goals, along with looking good in my red dress for Graduation. I want my friends to see me and think how great I look. I've been working hard. I deserve to look good and feel great about myself at this Graduation. And I want to feel myself that I look good in the photos -- the many, many photos we will take.

This is where I am at now...

Just over a month to go!   

I know its blurry... but I took them myself, so I don't know how to do it in the mirror with the flash on.

This week is going to be a good week! I just feel it!

Feeling Desperate...

As I told my boyfriend earlier, at this point, I desire a 1/2 pound loss more than presents at Christmas. Two weeks ago I lost 3.6 lbs, making my weight 300.2. Last week I was up 0.2, leaving me at 300.4. I am so desperate to get there tonight. It's freezing out, but I don't want to not wear the Capri's I wore last week, in case the others make me gain.

I know I shouldn't be stressing about beating the scale, but this was a good week for me. I am under my weekly points by almost 15 points, and have earned 15 points of activity this week. Saturday I made a batch of 0 point soup and have had that probably 4 times this week. I've tried to get in my veggies and fruit and think I have been quite successful.

The scale SHOULD be mine tonight. AND I avoided my scale at home. I need to get into a positive state and not worry about my freaking pants. I'm done with the foolishness! Full-length pants -- here I come! Despite whatever.

Setback Already?

I would really like to make a good post and tell you how great my week went, and that the WI was good...and all that, except I just don't have the energy right now. I tend to be a lengthy post kinda girl, and when I can't give it 100%, I just don't like to bother at all. I am dealing with some personal issues right now, and it's just draining my energy. I still went to the gym today though, so go me!

Actually, writing this now I am beginning to feel better already. I've actually been having a great day WW wise. It's just that I feel kinda blah in my head -- not with a headache really... just tension. I think I just need some sleep so I can get into a better mood. Forgive me for today?

I don't even think I have an audience as of yet, but I think I need to cut myself some slack. I'll be more level headed tomorrow. I hope so anyway... :)

Wouldn't It Figure...

Due to my foolish ways, (that being eating in excess over my WP & AP) I decided that I had to go earn those additional points at the gym. Last night I came home and did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred, followed by 40 minutes of treadmill, 40 minutes of weights and 15 minute leisurely walk today. I had a late start to my day today, and ate a very responsible dinner. As a result, I was way under my daily points.

How come some days it all seems super easy. Wouldn't it figure that I go bust my butt to get points back, only to have plenty left over for today's total. Ugh. Well I ate them - and tried to eat them in a semi-responsible fashion. With WI coming tomorrow I am extremely nervous. I found out I don't need to take the day trip I was expecting to take tomorrow so I can get down to the gym early and maybe squeeze in another work out -- which may or may not be a good thing. I haven't decided if it is helpful to exercise on the day of WI. Any thoughts on this?

I am feeling smaller and more fit, and have certainly accomplished a great deal. I have gone to the gym at least the 3x a week that I promised myself and have committed to training for the Couch to 5k. These are big steps for me.

I started Weight Watchers back in 2006, and quit due to a lack of determination..and well...I am not really sure. I re-joined in Feb 2010, and have not missed one weigh in. Even when I went away on vacation out of province for a month. I am feeling much more able to do things (as far as things in the gym) and am even pushing myself. I can really see a difference starting to take place -- at least I think. I am hoping to see the results on the scale - only then will I be convinced. Isn't that terrible?

I do think that Exercise is the key that I needed. I've been on track (mostly) with the program. At least following the program, and using my flex. But I haven't made the effort on the exercise front. I hope I can keep it up when life gets more complicated.

I want to be committed, and determined. I want to keep it in part of my routine, but it never really was before. There is a whole self-confidence issue tangled in these thoughts. But that's another story.

In the meantime, I am super nervous to see how the scale reacts tomorrow. I am hoping for good news, or else...I'll be rather disappointed. But nevermind that now. POSITIVE thoughts! :) G'night all.

I was inspired.

So, I've had a blog before. But this one is a little bit different. I am a member of Weight Watchers, and though receiving tremendous amounts of support on the forums online, I decided to start my own blog. It's not exactly fair to continuously use that as an outlet for my complaints. I think by starting blogging, it will help me work though some of those uncomfortable, and often negative thoughts. Well, here is hoping anyway.

Right now I am starving...and its almost noon. I had plans to go to the gym today early - so I could meet up with the ladies I usually see there, because they keep me inspired and on track. Well... so far, not so good. I WILL go today... but I am just not feeling up to it at the moment. But I promise it will happen.

I do have a fair amount to accomplish today (apart from my fitness routine), and perhaps I am a little bit distracted with that. And creating this blog...haha.

Oh well. Hopefully I can keep active both at the gym and on this blog. I am hoping that it will be good for me. So wish me luck! :)