Could it be..?

...have I actually established some kind of fashion for myself?

I've always 'tried' to some extent. I LOVE clothes, don't get me wrong, but I never really could pull things off. Or, at least I didn't think I ever did.

As of late however, I've been getting comments about how I dress so nice, or have nice clothes. Quite frankly one of those comments came from a kid in the 4th grade, and I mean...what do they know? But still, coming from a kid who doesn't have a social filter quite developed yet. I'll take it. haha

Anyway, I had been reading a blog the other day by a plus size woman who clearly knows fashion. (Not sure if I should reference the site here or not..., so I won't). Anyway...I never thought I could ever be so bold or ever be able to pull the high wasted skirt look off...but I was playing around with a new dress/skirt that I bought on the weekend and I am truly amazed at the different ways I've discovered to wear it. Not to mention that its a floral print which I have been DYING to find all summer. Something cute and floral and flattering that isn't absolutely obnoxious on a plus size lady like myself. Well I found it. It, AND  brown belt that I've been wanting for at least 6 months. And as if that weren't enough the two items only cost me 25 dollars combined. Steal!


So...I thought I'd post a pic or two because I am in love with the skirt-dress-shirt. =) Which makes me kind love my body just a little more than before. Almost 100 lbs down (despite the weekends off-planness...). I'll get there, and meanwhile... I get to look hot in my new floral skirt! =)

 This is my new favorite look. AND I look kinda small in this pic. Woo.

 This was how I decided I'd wear the dress the other day. Also adorable.

 This was the tag that told me I could wear it 3 different ways. 3 ways, which I've yet to wear it. But hey... =)

Who is this girl?

So I think its time I talked about a few things I am proud of.

Saturday my two girlfriends and I took it upon ourselves to complete our own personal 5K Walk-It Challenge. Since the closest official walk was a 2 hour drive away from us, and also on the same day as one of their grandbabies birthday, we decided that we'd do our own walk a day early. (And besides it was supposed to rain the day of the official race anyway). When Teri and I first got to Jackie's house I was a little nervous because I wasn't sure where the trail was and how I would know where to turn around. Jackie then tells us that she has marked it with a piece of banana peel, and three little stones on each side of the road. It seems silly, but I am probably always going to remember that little detail as part of my first 5 k ever.

It felt really special to be running this race with these two ladies. They have helped me through a lot over the past few months and Jackie taking the time to make this race our own was really awesome. I must admit, I was originally a little bumed out that we weren't going to the 'official' walk, but quite honestly it turned out to be a wonderful day. There was no pressure, and it was more personal anyway. Sure it would've been nice to join in a race with other ladies, but this was a time for us 3 to give voice to the excuses and the reasons holding us back.

I had originally hoped to complete the walk/run in under 40 minutes, because on the treadmill I had completed it in under 45 and throught that with enough training that I would be able to push it more. Since originaly hearing about the race I have seen a Physiotherapist for my knee, concerning the pain I had been experiencing and so I haven't been working on on the treadmill as hard as I had been before developing the pain. Rather than pushing myself for better times, I have been doing more inclines and work on the bike. He recommended that I not run on the treadmill because it is hard on a persons joints. So baring that in mind, completing the race in 43:52, I consider that a victory.

What a great feeling yesterday. I came home feeling so accomplished and to add to this personal victory, Jackie had given me an exercise suit that she had barely worn, and when I put it on, yes...it was snug but not super restrictive tight. And what made it even better was that it was an XL size.

I am starting to see myself now as a smaller person. Pictures that are being taken are actually surprising me because I keep seeing less and less of me. It's really an interesting feeling. I almost can't help but think that somehow the fat is disguised, just hiding somewhere off the camera...

weird, I know, but these are things I am going to have to start dealing with.

I have been recieving more and more comments lately. And its a great feeling. I am finding I like when people talk about me. I am proud of who I am today, and what I am doing for my body. I feel like if I can tackle this -- this weight issue, that has been the root of so much sorrow in my life, I can do most anything. You don't realize the weight --- (no pun intended), that is put upon yourself and how much it is holding you back from being the person you are until you let go of those things that are holding you back.

Things like sweat. Things like fear. Shame. Disbelief. Barriers you create to protect yourself from experiencing so much more.

And still there are days when I revert back to that scared girl. Who can't seem to hold herself high enough to praise herself and all her hard work. I am approaching 50 lbs lost since Feburary 2010, and somehow that isn't good enough for me. "I should've hit in back in Feburary - March - April - May...". The point is, I am hitting it now. This week. No more barriers, no more excuses. I am worth love and praise, not from others, but myself. And today is the day I honor myself with that gift.

Lengthy Work Required: Apply Within

So here it goes.

It's been far too long since my last post, and this apology goes out to no one but myself (mainly because I don't even know if I have followers), but also because I think that as I lose weight it will become more and more important for me to start doccumenting my feelings.

I barely celebrate my successes as it is, but maybe by writing things down here, or - somewhere, I can finally start seeing the transformations that have begun inside me.

How to do this though? Should I start at the beginning? I am not entirely sure how comfortable I feel with putting it all out there for the world to see. However, since I don't make a point of posting this link many places, I feel fairly safe revealing my thoughts to the 'world' via this blog. This raises another important question. What am I so ashamed of? Do I really care if people I know read this?

Of course I do. And that's the problem.

As I have come to realize lately, I DO in fact care about what people think of me. A 9 point piece of Deliscio pizza taught me this, well, this and my very loving and supportive boyfriend. Its not like I have ever denied this caring before. Not at all. I am the type of girl who gives with her whole heart, maybe to a fault, as is evident with my relationship to my ex-roommate/friend -- (but that is a different story). Its just that its only now that I realize just how negatively it has affected me throughout my life.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is good to consider other people's feelings and opinions, however when you let them control you to such an extent that I have over the years it can only lead to trouble.

That being said, I am not saying that this is going to be an easy (thing/task) to overcome. But the important thing is that I am not recognizing what I have been doing to myself, and the harm it has caused. It should be easy to just say - you know what, this is about me! But that just seems so entirely selfish to me. Why can't I assert myself like that? Having a backbone doesn't make me weak or selfish. It makes me human and strong.

So what really constitutes true beauty? Isn't that for me to define? Shouldn't I be the one who decides if I am happy or not? Why do I rely on EVERYONE else to make that decision for me. Truth is, I am bad with decisions period. Is that because I care too much what other people think? Or do I care what people think because I feel I am bad at making decisions? Am I really that insecure? What a quandry in and of itself.

Point is, I've got a lot of mental game to work through. A week ago I let a 9 pt slice of pizza make me cry. Granted it was that 'time', and I might be a little bit of a nut job on the odd occasion anyway -- but the feelings that festered around the idea of eating it made me fall apart. I'll explain at a later date, and you'll think me a nut job, but you know what --

so be it. That's your opinion.

New Year, New Goals.

So to begin with. I gained 4.4 lbs over the week of Christmas, missed a WI (the first since I re-joined in Feb) and then lost 2lbs the following week. This means that I only really gained 2.4 lbs over Christmas, and considering I can easily do that any other week of life...I was quite satisfied.

But I also realize that I really like to make excuses for myself. For gaining, when I am supposed to be losing weight on a weekly basis. Not to beat myself up over it...I mean I've lost 39 lbs since Feb, so that's something. But I really feel like I let myself off the hook. At the same time, at least this is maintainable, and hopefully my body/skin will react more positively to this slow loss. But let's be serious...I am capable of more.

I recently re-watched "My 120 Pound Journey" which is totally inspiring, and I've even read into his story a bit more. Ben weighed 360 some pounds and took 12 minutes to run a mile. Why can't I do that so simply? Sure...I am running a mile in around 12 minutes now, but that's after losing 70 some lbs, and working out 3x a week quite steadily for over 4 months, and even then I struggle to finish it without side stiches. Why don't I have that drive? Ben says if you want to do something - do it. And while that is very inspiring...my body doesn't want me to.

Or is that just me making excuses, again?

My brother recently joined a gym where he lives after putting on a great deal of weight. He has been quite fit and active most of his life. A Kin student and sports addict and a male (sorry, but its true) -- losing weight is easy for him (at least so far). He has apparently lost 15 lbs just in his first week. It's really discouraging for me. Especially since he has taunted me about my weight my entire life, and I finally was weighing in at almost his weight and he decides he needs to lose weight. It almost felt good, you know? Why do I feel like I need to prove anything to him?

I have done well. Of course I have. And I continue to do well. So why do I beat myself up?

I needed to get into a better headspace so a few days ago I outlined some goals for myself. For the week, I kept things pretty simple: Gym 3x a week. No sweets! And eating mainly powerfoods. 
Well...the gym I am doing, and no sweets (apart from frozen yogurt), but the powerfoods this is still escaping me some. I have been incorporating more fruits and vegetables and tracking diligently. I am really feeling more positive about what I am putting into my body, and I am feeling better.

As far as my weight loss goals are concerned for the year, I have set a few deadlines. By Feb I want to lose 50 lbs total. Meaning I have 11 more lbs to go. 5 WI's. I can do it, right? By August 20th, I want to have at least 77 lbs off. To add up to 50 lbs in a year from August-August. So I need to hit 77lbs by then, which I am told I can easily do. And I can if I really push it. SO, I am going to do this. Theres no more maybe. I am going to do it.

No more excuses. No more listening to those inner demons.

I also signed up for a 10 week challenge which begins Monday which I think might help me out in terms of accountability. I just need to stop making excuses. Oh! And I have given myself a deadline of Jan 31, to build up to running 5k's on the treadmill.  Tuesday I ran for 1.5 miles. Mile 1 @ 5.0, 0.5 mile @ 4.0. So, I can do this. I just need to focus positive attention on my goal, and I can achieve it.