So here it goes.
It's been far too long since my last post, and this apology goes out to no one but myself (mainly because I don't even know if I have followers), but also because I think that as I lose weight it will become more and more important for me to start doccumenting my feelings.
I barely celebrate my successes as it is, but maybe by writing things down here, or - somewhere, I can finally start seeing the transformations that have begun inside me.
How to do this though? Should I start at the beginning? I am not entirely sure how comfortable I feel with putting it all out there for the world to see. However, since I don't make a point of posting this link many places, I feel fairly safe revealing my thoughts to the 'world' via this blog. This raises another important question. What am I so ashamed of? Do I really care if people I know read this?
Of course I do. And that's the problem.
As I have come to realize lately, I DO in fact care about what people think of me. A 9 point piece of Deliscio pizza taught me this, well, this and my very loving and supportive boyfriend. Its not like I have ever denied this caring before. Not at all. I am the type of girl who gives with her whole heart, maybe to a fault, as is evident with my relationship to my ex-roommate/friend -- (but that is a different story). Its just that its only now that I realize just how negatively it has affected me throughout my life.
Don't get me wrong. I think it is good to consider other people's feelings and opinions, however when you let them control you to such an extent that I have over the years it can only lead to trouble.
That being said, I am not saying that this is going to be an easy (thing/task) to overcome. But the important thing is that I am not recognizing what I have been doing to myself, and the harm it has caused. It should be easy to just say - you know what, this is about me! But that just seems so entirely selfish to me. Why can't I assert myself like that? Having a backbone doesn't make me weak or selfish. It makes me human and strong.
So what really constitutes true beauty? Isn't that for me to define? Shouldn't I be the one who decides if I am happy or not? Why do I rely on EVERYONE else to make that decision for me. Truth is, I am bad with decisions period. Is that because I care too much what other people think? Or do I care what people think because I feel I am bad at making decisions? Am I really that insecure? What a quandry in and of itself.
Point is, I've got a lot of mental game to work through. A week ago I let a 9 pt slice of pizza make me cry. Granted it was that 'time', and I might be a little bit of a nut job on the odd occasion anyway -- but the feelings that festered around the idea of eating it made me fall apart. I'll explain at a later date, and you'll think me a nut job, but you know what --
so be it. That's your opinion.
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